What is you FAQ

There have been many questions in the years since this column started.

They have come by email from correspondents with names like Yard Ape Mom, Lost in Space, Modern Men for Speedos, Chocomom, Slob-o-phile, Dust Bunny Bunny and the Dalai Lama (I’m pretty sure this is not THE Dalai but you never know.)

They’ve asked about my Things, He Who Can’t be Named, my Dust Bunnies population, and my views on the space-time continuum. Some, bless them, have even asked after my bourbon supply.

Today’s column will be dedicated to these FAQs or frequently asked questions.

1. You’ve said you don’t read parenting books. Are you qualified to be a parent?

No. I did not take the course. I have not read the books. And my babies did not arrive with a User’s Manual or a Help menu. I possess few parental instincts. My knowledge comes through an apprenticeship program which has lasted ten years and will probably run another fifty. This practical approach is not always the easiest way, but I have found bourbon to be an effective learning tool.

2. Do you look like your picture?

No. In real life I look like Angelina Jolie. (I know this because every time I ask He Who Can’t Be Named if I look like Angelina Jolie, he says “Yes, darling.”)

3. Does He Who Can’t Be Named look like Brad Pitt?

Yes, darling.

4. How do you run your household?

I don’t. It runs me. Sometimes it runs over me. Occasionally it runs me into the ground.

5. Do you cook?

No. I burn. I also heat up. I’m not bad a heating up, especially a drop or two of bourbon is involved.

6. You’ve called yourself a slob. Do you not read home décor magazines?

I buy a lot of home décor magazines, actually. I find them useful. You can stack them up on the floor and sit on them like a stool. And they make lovely coasters so you don’t get coffee rings on the piles of newspapers underneath.

7. Where do you stand on the organization Slobs without Borders?

I’m in favour. In fact, not long ago I was contacted by a representative of SWB who advised me to hide my home décor magazines (HDMs). Apparently certain security agencies are confusing HDMs with WMDs and are presently scouring the land for them.

8. Have you redressed your fiscal imbalance?

Yes, I have re-dressed my fiscal imbalance time and time again, and always comes home with food stains on its shirt and mud all over its knees.

9. Do you think that the noun “parent” should be used as the verb “to parent”?

No, I do not, unless you accept the noun bourbon as a verb. I bourbon, you bourbon, he bourboned, we are bourboning…

10. You’ve talked a lot about bourbon. Are you a columnist with a bourbon problem?

No I’m bourbon drinker with a column problem.

11 . Have you changed your position on the male Speedo?

I have no objection to the male Speedo so long as it remains attached to a hanger in a sports store. Anything beyond that and we’re into public decency bylaw territory again.

12. Have you conquered the dust bunny problem?

It’s a standoff. The dust bunnies still exist. I still exist. I am currently writing a treatise called the Dust Bunny Suicides. And as far as I know, dust bunnies don’t type. So ask again next year.

13. Have you located the orphaned socks?

No, and until we break through the space-time continuum once and for all, it is highly unlikely.

14. Do your children appreciate unreservedly everything you’ve done for them over the years?

I’m sure they will some day, but that won’t happen until I’m pushing up the daisies. Isn’t that always the way?

15. Do your beastly felines appreciate unreservedly everything you’ve done for them over the years?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!