I'm green and I'm not even a frog

Oh dear. I seem to be turning green again.

I know this because the other day He Who Can’t be Named said this: “Darling, have you been taking your vitamins lately?”

In my house “Darling, have you been taking your vitamins lately?” doesn’t actually mean “Darling, have you been taking your vitamins lately?”

No, in my house, the vitamin question is code for “Darling, you’re turning green again and shouldn’t you be doing something about it?”

Is that called passive aggression or self-preservation? I guess it depends on which side of the question you’re on.

There was a time when He Who Can’t was less tutored in the natural laws that govern successful relationships between men and women. In those days, he would have come straight out with the unvarnished truth.

He would have said my skin looked more pond-scum green than peaches and cream. He wouldn’t have meant it in a mean-spirited way - just in a truthful, concerned way. Bless him.

And if I’m honest about it, I can’t argue with the basic premise of his observation. Between the months of January and March, my skin colour really does turn a sort of pond-scummy green.

Depending on the time of day, this can cause me to look like a vampire or Alice Cooper. I don’t know which is worse, but there have been times when I’ve looked in the mirror and actually scared myself, such was my greenness.

I don’t know how to explain it. Is it a nutritional deficiency? Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)? A hitherto undiscovered branch of my family tree that started in Transylvania in the 1300s?

Whatever the reason, I can say this: I’ve learned to embrace my greenness. That is who I am in winter: A person with a green skin. Sometimes it’s just better to accept these things and move on.

In fact, I’m rather proud of the fact that I can manage be so green without actually being sick. If I were in a Miss America contest, I’d use that as my talent. “She’s so green,” the judges would gasp. “And she’s not even sick!”

And isn’t winter green a flavour of gum or household detergent or something? Someone obviously thinks it’s an attractive colour.

But – and this is a big but - there’s a difference between a girl accepting her inner vampire and a girl having someone point out that she’s looking like pond-scum. And this comes into sharp focus when an event like Valentines Day happens to fall in the middle of that girl’s green season.

After much tutoring in the natural laws of female-male harmony, He Who Can’t finally understands that honesty is not necessarily the best policy especially when you throw Valentines Day into the mix. When it comes to a sweetheart with a green complexion, you have to tread carefully through the pond scum.

So take my advice, men: say it with Vitamins. Trust me. Vitamins are your friends.

Freelance vampire Gail Lethbridge wishes everyone a Happy Vitamins Day. Visit her blog: giftedtypist.com

glethbridge@herald.ca