Snow jobs

Just spent the early hours of the morning shoveling snow.

Snow shoveling in Nova Scotia is bit like going on a geological dig. That’s because our storms can never seem to make up their minds about what they’re going to do.

“Shall I go cold and blizzardy this time, or mild and slushy,” they seem to say, as they move in and envelop the province. So rather than make a firm decision, they dump a little bit of everything on us, you know, like politicians in a minority government.

And the poor wretch who ends up shoveling the stuff is left to dig through geological layers powder, frozen slush with a crusty ice on top. As you shovel, you can observe the exact moments when the temperature moved above the freezing point and then back down again.

Thus was my experience this morning. I’ve named this snow the Geological-Dig Snow. Because it’s still January and there are many more snowfalls yet to come, let me review some of the other types of snow.

1. Light-n-Fluffy Snow – often appears as the bottom layer which fell when temperatures were low. By the time you start shoveling, this layer has been buried under several layers of ice, frozen slush, wet snow and other vile forms of snow.

2. Put-Your-Lower-Back-Out Snow – looks pretty but don’t be fooled because it’s heavier than it looks, laden with water, soaks through your boots, makes your bones ache and it keeps orthopedic surgeons in business for winter months.

3. Marital-Disharmony Snow – always falls when Significant Other is not home. Too much of this is never welcome by the marriage-is-forever crowd. Divorce lawyers love it, however.

4. Groin-Injury Snow – can be pushed by placing the shovel in front of you and using body weight. Works wonders until you hit a crack in the pavement and the shovel stops suddenly but your forward momentum doesn’t. Ouch, in other words.

5. Boulders-at-End-of-Driveway Snow – big, rocks of harden snow piled up by the snowplow. Requires you to abandon shovel and pick up snow boulders with two hands. Also produces under-the-breath, off-colour language.

6. Boulders-at-the-end-of-Driveway Snow – Second Pass – big rocks of hardened snow that pile up after snowplow makes second pass on your street. Also requires you to abandon shovel and use two hands for pick-up. Produces off-colour language which is no longer held under breath.

7. Will-Break-your-Snow-Blower Snow – wet, slushy, heavy stuff that will break snow blower and the heart of snow blower owner who ran out to Canadian Tire in November to buy the silly thing that now sits unused in garage while its owner shovels slush. One of the cruelest forms of snow.

8. Must-Invite-My-Neighbour-With-the-Good-Snow-Blower-over-for-a-Drink Snow – usually arrives on the third or forth good storm of winter. Defining characteristic is neither amount or texture of snow but rather the desperation of the shoveller and the lengths she will go reduce her winter burden. Studies have shown that plying snow-blower-owning neighbours with bourbon is an excellent snow removal strategy.

So there you have it, fellow shovellers. Good luck. And if you know of other types of snow, please email them. I like to be well-informed about my winter snows.

Freelance snow expert Gail Lethbridge will not appear on David Letterman to give 10 reasons to shovel snow in Nova Scotia. Visit her blog:http://giftedtypist.com